Monthly Archives: January 2012

Love Isn’t Always Easy

Posted by Teena Evert on January 10, 2012 None comments

IN EVERYONE’S LIFE…………………..

In everyone’s life there are problems to solve,

Even in the strongest relationship,

there are differences to overcome.

It is easy to give up when confronted with difficulties;

to fool yourself into believing that

perfection can be found somewhere else.

But true happiness and a lasting relationship are found

when you look inside yourself

for solutions to the problems.

Instead of walking away when things get tough

and blaming the other person,

look for compromise and forgiveness.

Caring is not a matter of convenience.

It is a commitment of one soul to another.

And if each gives generously of themselves,

then both lives are enriched.

The problems will come and go,

just like the changing seasons.

But unselfish love is constant and everlasting.

~ Susan Staszewski from LOVE ISN’T ALWAYS EASY edited by Susan Polis Schutz

INTERESTING FACTS

  • The annual divorce rate in the United States is about 50%
  • Marriage is the most popular voluntary choice that Americans make
  • Over 90% of Americans will marry at least once
  • There are 2.3 million marriages and 1.2 million divorces each year
  • 35-40% of engaged couples receive premarital counseling
  • Premarital counseling can reduce divorce by 30%
  • There are over 6 million cohabiting couples in the United States, some may eventually marry, some will break up, and others will continue to live together.

Full Moon Miracles!

Posted by Teena Evert on January 8, 2012 1 comments

Are we really affected by the phases of the moon?

Does the moon exert some magical pull on our watery bodies or our primitive minds? Maybe. What I do know for sure is that to flourish, we need to feel connected to the world around us.

The practice of patterning our lives, even in small, symbolic ways, on the patterns of nature can be very affirming. For me, the cycle of the moon is a beautiful reflection of the cycles of increase and decrease in my own life.

HOW ABOUT TRYING THE MIRACLE QUESTION EXERCISE:

Do you know what you truly want?

Try the Miracle Question now.

Suppose tonight, while you are asleep, the miracle happens.

Because you were asleep you didn’t know it had happened, but everything you ever wanted is there. You now have your perfect life.

When you waken in the morning how will you be able to tell that the miracle has happened?

As an exercise, sit or lie down somewhere quiet where you won’t be disturbed, and carry out the miracle exercise. Allow your breathing to slow, settle comfortably and let your mind wander where it will.

Ask yourself ‘After the miracle,

“What will I see that is different?”

“What will I hear that is different?”

“What will I be that is different?”

‘”What will I feel inside that is different from the way I feel now?”

Think about those questions for a while, and then ask yourself, “What would the other people in my life see, hear, notice, that was different?”

Think about each of the people in your life and see yourself after the miracle from their point of view, imagining what is going into their eyes and ears, what is going through their mind as they deal with the new you.

Think about what they would think about your behavior, attitude, values in your new life. Think about how you would behave, knowing what they think and see, and what you would have to do to make them see you behaving that way.

Spend about ten minutes or so doing the exercise.

Then resume your normal tasks, go through the rest of your day, and in every situation, as you get into that situation, imagine how you would behave if the miracle had happened, and then do as much of that behavior as you can.

The following day, think about how you acted when you assumed that miracle had happened, and how many things you actually did that were part of the miracle, and then imagine your life after the miracle in even more detail.

Repeat the Miracle question exercise every day until the miracle has happened.

You will then be living the miracle.

Do You Ever Feel Disconnected in Your Relationship?

Posted by Teena Evert on January 7, 2012 None comments

Dr. Peter Pearson, Founder of The Couples Institute believes that emotional connections are what are at the core of creating lasting relationships that flourish.

Emotional connections in the areas of roles, responsibilities, and affection in all its forms. Pearson states, “Without emotional connections, you can have a pleasant roommate experience and no more. The depth and breadth of emotional connections is what makes your mate special to you and you to them.”

The absence of emotional connection show up in many disguises. Feeling alone, feeling disrespected and unappreciated, and feeling very misunderstood.

The absence of satisfying and enjoyable connections can be very painful. Sometimes people try to soothe their pain through addictions, anger, blame, depression, withdrawal, or even resentful compliance. These are misguided attempts to bring about relief.

Complete the following Emotional Disengagement and Loneliness Self-Assessment (Gottman & Gottman, 2011) to determine the state of emotional connection in your relationship.

Answer TRUE or FALSE to each statement.

Then decide - What new information did you learn from this assessment?

  • I often find myself disappointed in this relationship.
  • I have learned to expect less from my partner.
  • I will, at times, find myself quite lonely in this relationship.
  • It is hard for my deepest feelings to get much attention in this relationship.
  • I often try to avoid saying things I will later regret.
  • I feel like I have to be so careful, it is like walking on eggshells.
  • Suddenly, one again, I find I have said the wrong thing.
  • There is no much intimacy in this relationship right now.
  • Our relationship problems are not really solvable.
  • Sometimes our relationship feels empty to me.
  • This relationship is not quite what I expected, and I feel let down by it.
  • We are pretty separate and unconnected emotionally.
  • We don’t really talk very deeply to each other.
  • There is not enough closeness between us.
  • I sometimes think I expect too much and should settle for less in my relationship.
  • I am coping with a lot of relationship stress, and I’m concerned it will not turn out okay.
  • I have adapted to a lot in this relationship, and I am no so sure it’s a good idea.
  • There’s certainly not much romance in this relationship.
  • I can’t really say that we are very good friends right now.
  • I am lonely in this relationship.

Could you use some guidance?  Would you like relief?

Emotional distance and disengagement are common problems for couples. A behavioral approach to Couple’s Therapy focuses on changing interaction patterns that creates lasting relationships that can flourish.

 

Teena K. Evert, M.A. is a Clinical Psychotherapist in private practice. She works with women, couples, and families bringing help, connection and hope to their relationships. For additional information please visit http://www.DenverWomensCounseling.com

The Ultimate Sacrifice

Posted by Teena Evert on January 6, 2012 None comments

Volumes of books have been written on this topic of codependency. The definition of codependency is a person who has let someone else’s behavior affect him/her and is obsessed with controlling other people’s behavior. The interesting thing about codependency is that the behaviors of a codependent person can range from being excessively nice all the way to rage, control, stalking, and abuse.

The tendency to become codependent starts in childhood. Living with an alcoholic, drug addict, strictly religious, critical, controlling, emotionally ill, cold and distant parents, or caregivers that were physically or emotionally abusive or absent can all lead toward a child developing codependent behaviors.

If you enter into a relationship with a person demonstrating any of the above behaviors, the tendency toward codependency increases.

There is a part of interdependency that we need in order to live in society. The difference here is that interdependency does not mean that you consistently put the needs of others on front of your own needs and feelings.  Just as codependency is learned, it can be unlearned. Again, awareness that you may have this tendency is the first step.

Look at the following questionnaire. Give yourself 0-5 points depending on how often you answer Yes to the questions; 0 being No/Never; 1 being Rarely; 2 being Occasionally, 3 being Often, 4 being Frequently, and 5 being Yes/Always.

Be honest with yourself. Do not look at or think about your score as you answer. Respond honestly with each individual question.

  • Do I sacrifice my own needs to satisfy the needs and wants of others?
  • Do I have difficulty saying “No” or expressing my feelings?
  • Am I unduly afraid of being hurt, rejected or left alone?
  • Is my self-esteem dependent on the approval of others?
  • Do I have a tendency to compromise my own values to avoid conflict?
  • Are my actions motivated by fear of rejection or fear of conflict?
  • Do I feel responsible for others’ problems, which I did not cause?
  • Do I feel that it is my responsibility to fix others’ problems?
  • Do I have difficulty asking for help?
  • Do I cover up or make excuses for my partner?
  • Am I more aware of my partner’s feelings than I am of my own?
  • Do I feel selfish when I take care of my own needs?
  • Does my identity revolve around my partner?
  • Do I blame others or take on the victim role?
  • Do I avoid confrontation at all costs?
  • Do I feel inadequate, isolated, angry, depressed or guilt-ridden?

How many total points did you give yourself?

0-20 means you’re doing really well

21 – 40 shows that you need to start making some changes

41-60 is a clear sign that codependency is a big issue for you.

If you scored 61-80 points, you are officially the King or Queen of Codependency. You’ll need to make working on this a priority.

This information about codependency was made available by Janet Whitney, MA. MFT, the founder and author of Facing Your Fears Following Your Dreams and Finding Success Program.

Soften What is Rigid In Your Heart

Posted by Teena Evert on January 5, 2012 None comments

Alexander Graham Bell said, “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

I love this quote,  because I have been paralyzed by many doors that closed behind me and in front of me – I wasn’t able to move through the doors that were opening all around me.

Once I was able to free up the energy that was stuck behind the closed door – I was able to set a clear intention of which open door I wanted to go through. When I was stuck in between I was paralyzed in fear.

Yoga teaches us to cure what need not be endured and endure what cannot be cured.   ~B.K.S. Iyengar

Last Autumn passed my Introductory I Assessment in the Iyengar Yoga Tradition. It was a great experience. It stretched me in ways that I didn’t know I could stretch myself in my body, mind, emotions, and spirit.

The practice of yoga in the Iyengar Method gave me the structure to move towards the open door with clear intentions and the freedom to walk through with grace.

Fear can be a great motivator if you are not paralyzed by it – fear and excitement can often sit side-by-side. If you embrace the fear, rather than resist it, you will move closer towards the vibration of excitement. They work together – stretch you to go beyond what you may believe are your limitations.

Enjoy your life……..it is not always easy, but it doesn’t have to be hard. Learn to soften what is rigid in your heart.

 

Yoga, an ancient but perfect science, deals with the evolution of humanity. This evolution includes all aspects of one’s being, from bodily health to self realization. Yoga means union – the union of body with consciousness and consciousness with the soul. Yoga cultivates the ways of maintaining a balanced attitude in day to day life and endows skill in the performance of one’s actions. ~ B.K.S. Iyengar

All About Elmo

Posted by Teena Evert on January 4, 2012 None comments

Who doesn’t love Elmo?  

Elmo is a 3 1/2-year-old Muppet who first appeared on Sesame Street in 1984. He is enthusiastic, friendly, and cheerful. He has a very positive, optimistic view of himself and life.  He has a pet goldfish named Dorothy. His favorite hobbies are tap dancing and playing the piano.

Elmo is full of love and affection and can cheer you up if you are feeling down. He is a master at connecting to the hearts of others. Sometimes it is a Muppet who can help you shift your emotional state and make you laugh at the simple pleasures in life.

Today I am enjoying what I love most about Elmo and thankful for his presence in our world. Here are a few of his qualities that I most admire:

  • He follows his heart
  • He knows his authentic self and honors his instincts
  • He cultivates his own interests
  • He brings fun to his life in whatever he does
  • He speaks his heart and his mind
  • He strives to create a positive environment for himself and others
  • He lives fully, loves sweetly, has fun, and is never without his sense of humor
  • He asks questions
  • Even if life is not easy, he makes a point to find the good and make things better
  • He puts one foot in front of the other every day

Thank you Elmo!

Cheers and round of hugs on me,

Teena

P.S. – I am not allowed to have furry pets in my abode, but a think a fish will okay.  I am off to find a lovely red one and name him Elmo. 

The Poop Detector

Posted by Teena Evert on January 3, 2012 None comments

I woke one morning last week to a clogged toilet……….this was before my first cup of coffee and I was on a liver cleanse so you can only imagine how frustrated I was to have a clogged toilet as my innards were becoming unclogged!

My day was full of inward reflection and realizations of all the things I really don’t want in my life anymore.  It felt so liberating to realize that I can choose what I want, and if I believe in it I CAN make it happen. Although, I still need to stay present with this process as I continue to change what isn’t working and get ride of the crap that just doesn’t serve me anymore.  Tie up all the loose ends and stop clogging the pipes!

Then in the evening, I came across John and Julie Gottman’s questionnaire to assess, on a regular basis, how things are going in your relationship. Here is the list that the Gottman’s refer to as The Relationship “Poop Detector” If you have four items present in your relationship you may want to talk things over GENTLY with your partner within the next three days to avoid constipation in the relationship and clogged pipes!!

  • I have been acting irritable lately.
  • I have been feeling emotionally distant.
  • There has been a lot of tension between us.
  • I find myself wanting to be somewhere else.
  • I have been feeling lonely.
  • My partner has seemed emotionally unavailable to me.
  • I have been angry lately.
  • We have been out of touch with each other.
  • My partner has little idea of what I am thinking lately.
  • We have been under a great deal of stress, and it has taken its toll on us.
  • I wish we were closer right now.
  • I have wanted to be alone a lot lately.
  • My partner has been acting emotionally distant.
  • My partner’s attention seems to be somewhere else.
  • I have been emotionally unavailable to my partner.
  • My partner has been angry lately.
  • I have little idea of what my partner is thinking lately.
  • My partner has wanted to be alone a lot lately.
  • We really need to talk.
  • We haven’t been communicating very well lately.
  • We have been fighting more than usual.
  • Lately, small issues escalate.
  • We have been hurting one another’s feelings lately.
  • There hasn’t been very much fun or joy in our lives lately.
  • My partner seems to have no time or energy for me lately.
  • I have been feeling sorry for myself lately.
  • We have had little time or energy for physical affection.
  • We are not making love very much.
  • I wish my partner would touch me more often.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Teena K. Evert, M.A. is a clinical psychotherapist who specializes in healing relationships. She works with women, couples, and families.  For more information please visit, Denver Women’s Counseling.

What is Womanhood (woom-uhn-hood)?

Posted by Teena Evert on January 2, 2012 None comments

Womanhood is often defined as the state of being an adult woman.  There is great diversity in a woman’s life when it comes to the choices she makes throughout her development into adulthood. The meaning of her adulthood can be viewed as a season within her life course (the evolution of her life from beginning to end) and can be examined through her relationships.

Relationships are the stuff our lives are made of and give shape and substance to our life course.

According to Daniel J. Levinson, author of The Season’s of a Woman’s Life, “relationships are the vehicle by which we live out – or bury – various aspects of ourselves; and by which we participate, for better and for worse, in the world around us” (p. 22).

Underlying and permeating all relationships with the external world is the relationship to the self. By pondering the following questions, we can begin to identify those aspects of the external world that have the greatest significance to us.

  • What is my life like now?
  • What are the most important parts of my life and how are they interrelated?
  • Where do I invest most of my time and energy?
  • Are there some relationships – to spouse, lover, family, occupation, religion, leisure, or whatever – that I would like to modify, to make more satisfying, or to eliminate?
  • Are there some things now in my life that I would like to include?
  • Are there interests and relationships, now absent or occupying minor place, that I would like to make more central?

I came across these questions in my search for a better understanding about my own womanhood.  Culturally there seems to be an invisible undercurrent that equates womanhood with motherhood.

But what if you are not a mother?

What if you choose to be child-free?

Does this make you any less of a woman?

Where is the map to womanhood in the 21st Century?

Do you know women who are stressed, perhaps even overwhelmed and complain about not being prepared for what it feels life has thrown them? Do you know women who are upset about their unmet expectations with themselves and others?

How do you make sense of your life experience?  What are your strengths and resources that tap into your innate resilience? 

I would love to hear your story.

Peace of mind,

Teena

What Can You Learn From Riding Your Bike?

Posted by Teena Evert on January 1, 2012 None comments

A lot.  I love to ride my bike. Riding my bike not only keeps me aerobically fit, it also keeps positive gears turning in my brain and helps me to visualize and feel what it is that I am after – and what I am after is to feel good, to feel strong, and to be able to tolerate being out of my comfort zone.

This morning I was riding on my indoor trainer following a training video called Hell Hath No Fury. It simulates a race with the Women’s Pro race team. It is intense and you must keep your feet moving to keep up. I was feeling strong in the warm-up and had no problem keeping my cadence at 100 rpm, but then in the Big Ring I could not keep my feet moving fast enough……

Not only was I out of my comfort zone, but I could not fight the resistance to kick it into a harder and faster gear. The more I tried the worse I felt, and in came the negative self talk, the flood of limiting beliefs regarding my inability to push myself and succeed.

Then I realized my rear brake was rubbing on my wheel – no wonder it was so difficult to keep my feet moving! I wondered how long had this brake been creating unnecessary resistance in my training rides?  Well, I am too embarrassed to say exactly – but definitely for too long!

Once I simply released the brake, guess what?   You got it – I went faster!

Not only did I go faster, but I stretched myself by going out of my comfort zone and I began to feel invigorated – continually moving beyond my comfort zone — not by using increased willpower, but by replacing the self defeating beliefs about myself and changing my self image.

I recently read an essay titled, “Releasing the Brakes” by Jack Canfield, author of The Success Principles This is a bit of what he had to say……….

“Have you ever been driving your car and realized that you’d left the emergency brake on?

Of course.  We all have.  But when we discover the brake is on — do we press harder on the gas pedal?  Of course not!

We simply release the brake… and with no extra effort we go faster.

Going through life is a lot like driving a car.  But unfortunately, most people drive through life with their psychological emergency brake on.  They hold on to negative images of themselves… or suffer the effects of highly emotional events they haven’t yet released.  To cope, they stay in a comfort zone entirely of their own making.

And when they try to achieve their goals, these negative images and preprogrammed comfort zones always cancel out their good intentions—no matter how hard they try.

Call them “blocks” or “limiting beliefs” or “being stuck” — but these images and past hurts are nothing more than driving through life with the emergency brake on.”

So release the brakes — and enjoy the ride!

All is well,

Teena